On new motherhood

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Both images by Deun Ivory

 

I had a multitude of emotions when I first found out I was pregnant. I was nervous and excited about being a mum. Although we planned for it and I knew that I definitely wanted children, I was not sure that the timing was right. I had so many goals that I wanted to achieve, and wasn’t sure how I could accomplish them whilst being a mother. I was scared about being responsible for someone else’s life and worried that I would lose my identity.

At the same time, however, I could not wait to meet my baby and dreamed about all the joyous moments we would share. I smiled at the thought of having a mini-me wrap their finger in mine; gurgle, crawl, walk, come for cuddles and talk. I looked forward to being part of the network of mothers who put their heart and soul into loving and raising champions.

When they handed my daughter to me in the hospital, I lay there shocked at the intensity of it all. It felt like the most natural thing in the world but it also felt traumatising. I felt like I was part of a miracle. I was in physical pain, mentally exhausted and didn’t even have the energy to comprehend that they were handing me a baby and how my life was about to change, but I was so grateful to God that she was there, alive and well. I vowed to be the best mum possible to her.

Now that I’m actually living the daily grind of motherhood. I can say that it is 🙂 😦 >:D 😥  😀 :/ ^^’ ❤ 😀 o_O. It is constant prayer and compassion. It is over-worrying that I’m doing everything wrong and amazement at my ability to do things I have never done before. It is playing breastfeeding by the ear and hoping that my child is not starving. It is trusting in my motherly intuition that my child is not sick, whilst googling every symptom just to check. It is feeling guilty when my child is crying and I simply just want a moment to myself in silence – to do nothing but stare at the wall, peruse Pinterest for DIY ideas I don’t have the time to do, or read a book.

Motherhood is believing in yourself. It is being patient as you and your child both learn and grow. It is trusting that you have that mum magic. It is willing your child to sleep so that you can sleep and then staying up all night staring at them to make sure they are still breathing. It is crazy. It is repeat insomnia. It is being tired and overtired. It is being somebody’s safe space and giving all you have. It is learning to love your self correctly. It is being in love and having your heart live its own life outside of you. It is delivering on your goals and dreams. It is people questioning what you do all day. It is you questioning what you do all day and then wondering how you did all you did some days. It is unmet deadlines and messy rooms. Motherhood is spit up on your new outfits and baby smiles. Motherhood is delightful and it is hard. It is continuously connecting and incessantly learning.

Motherhood is truly a gift and whilst it is crazy, I’m evolving and I’m grateful for it.

#ByeFelicia

My husband and I love to travel and I’m so grateful that every now and then we have the opportunity to do so. We have visited the most incredible places,  laughed hard, learnt tonnes and met the most beautiful people. Every time we go away I also use it as a time to not just enjoy, but reflect. On my current trip, I have just been thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in glorified busyness and the inane pursuit of perfection without really growing or pausing to check if our actions are in line with our purpose.

When we were young, we often simply accepted the ideas and boundaries presented to us by our family and peer group without really thinking them through. We were told how to dress (my friends and I all had similar hair styles and tastes in fashion for the longest time). We listened to the music that our friends listened to, we ate the food that we found in our kitchen cupboard, and went to the church that our parents went to. As we get older, it is hoped that our sense of self develops and that we learn to make our own decisions and live purposely. But sometimes we get caught up and forget what our purpose even is.

Sometimes we scroll through an instagram pic of someone saying that they stayed up all night grinding to reach their dreams and we feel like our work is inadequate (instead of considering whether that person is just disorganised or if a lack of sleep is a goal that we need to be pursuing ). We get worried that we don’t have a side – hustle and wonder whether we should even be enjoying our day job. We get impatient at the fact that we haven’t found a significant other by age 30, or that we didn’t hit another milestone that we were ‘supposed’ to reach by age x. We so often look into another person’s lane and think that what they are doing is great and decide that we too need to be doing that.

I have so often let the concern of not being good enough affect my work and become the reason I worked crazy hard but also the reason I have so often hit a brick wall. We should work hard and strive to do well because we enjoy and see purpose in our craft, are grateful for the opportunity and believe it brings God glory – not because we don’t want to be perceived as not doing enough.

When God created us, He made us to be a masterpiece and He said that we are enough. There is no shame in taking the time to understand who you are and what you should be doing and then doing that well. I’m making it a point this year to find my balance, live intentionally and pursue excellence in all things by working on myself first. I’m no longer chasing perfect.

#Alreadyenough#masterpiece#workinprogress

#Feardoesn’tbelonginmyheartorhome

#Byefelicia #Begone!